Fuck you, Tony Abbott

09.5.13

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That’s it. Fuck it. I’m done. I can’t be OK with this anymore. I can’t continue to pretend at equanimity in the face of defeat. This is a fucking fiasco.

Here’s the equation, people. Tony Abbott and his merry-making, shit-licking band of shambling zombies have taken a gigantic, liquid dump on the entire country. In one fell swoop, they have transformed this election from a battle between two equally bad options into a conflict between Gandhi and the guy who came up with the concept of gulags. They do not deserve to be in power. They don’t deserve to be anywhere near power. They deserve to be chained up in a dungeon somewhere, so far away from power that they cannot even remember what it felt like to be able to make a decision for themselves.

The array of ignorance, pettiness, cowardice and out and out stupidity on display in this laughable-if-it-wasn’t-so-fucking-tragic costings document would be laughable. If it wasn’t so fucking tragic. No wonder Joe Hockey sweated and fidgeted like a schoolboy as he read it out. If he’d pitched this in for a school assignment his parents would have been called in to explain why their son was such an academic failure. Then he answered questions for 20 minutes, the equivalent of slowly and deliberately putting a lit cigarette out on the forearm of representative democracy.

The short-sightedness and avarice is staggering. Among the greater sins of the past four hours:

– $4bn saved by cutting foreign aid. This from one of the richest countries on Earth. How fucking abhorrent do you want to be.

– Money for roads found by cutting money for rail. Take that, sustainability!

– $1bn saved by “stopping the boats”. Wow, sure hope that one doesn’t come back to haunt you, you abominable pricks.

– And don’t forget the billion stopped by dropping our humanitarian intake too! Adios, you blood-sucking reffos. Tony, your Catholic God would be vomiting in disgust, you small-minded fool.

– $1bn saved by cutting the carbon tax. Given that they’ve pledged to keep all the concessions bought in to counteract it, this is the next best thing to magic money.

– Then, hidden away in the back corner of an unassuming policy document, a mandatory internet filter. Announced forty-one (41!) hours before an actual, real world election.

[If you want more learned decimations of this flaming bullshittery, then try here and here]

But the most heinous sin of all? All of this, all this stupid goddamn pettiness and spite, done for $6 bn dollars. Over 4 years. On a budget that comes in at over $400 bn dollars per year. Yes, that’s right, the party of fiscal responsibility is offering you, the taxpayer, a grand improvement of 0.375%. That’s their magnificent vision. That’s been the fodder of three years worth of braying and squealing about budgetary crisis. Less than half a percent. You couldn’t have less vision if you’d had your eyes gouged out by an angry voter. And this marginal, infinitesimal improvement only, ONLY if their numbers stack up. None of which have been in any way explained. Sure hope those boats stop, Tony. That would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it?

I’m beyond sensible discussion now. All I want to do is swear with the caps lock on.

How dare you, Tony Abbott. How dare you treat this country you claim to love and will soon lead with such contemptuous disrespect. You, Tony Abbott, are a goddamn joke. When your party – who tolerates you, but will gladly sacrifice you when you show the first sign of weakness – finally put you to the sword, you will be left as a grim political footnote in our history books, soon forgotten, an aberration on this country I just want so badly to be proud of. And I will fucking cackle in the streets. You are a blight on our Parliament and our nation, and the sooner the force of political entropy sucks you into a void of irrelevance from which you can never return the better. Go away. You make me ashamed just to look at you.